Natasha's · Alter · Ego

Get this! you remeber my last entry?? you know, the one where everything in my life was just peachy and there was a song comming from the heavens, the clouds parted and God seemed to be raining his glory down on me?? yeah, well... that wasn't His glory!!! Turns out he was pissing right on my head!!! i came home from the second day of school yesterday and asked jer what he wanted to eat for dinner. keep in mind he has been home almost and hour and a half by now. he proceeds to tell me that he wants to hire a maid to clean our house. I know that doesn't sound that bad right??!! i would love not to have to clean this damn house. so why am i taking it so personally? it's like if i were to waltz in to his work and hire someone to go behind him and do it better. i know i have a back problem and i can't mop and sweep the floors as good as it should be done but at least i try!! I hate that he treats me like such a tard!! i FUCKING HATE that this house has to be a sterile place in order for him to be happy and not bitch!! no joke if the house not being clean is getting on his nerves he either watches tv or locks himself in the computer room until it is time to go to bed!! call me crazy but i don't think that if the house is clean or not should determine how his mood is or how much attention he pays me! GOD he is so fucked up in his head! as if this wasn't enough the kid situation got brought up. he agreed about two weeks ago to go to counseling. his reason is to speed the process of my decsion of staying or leaving up. he doesn't realize that he can't just go to one of my meetings. i have to ask the dr. if it is ok first and plus we are in the middle of talking about my relationship with my mother right now... yeah.. i'm alot more screwed up that i had originally thought! so he asked if school was such a good idea when i was "stringing him on" not giving him an answer!! the nerve of the fucker!! does he honestly think that i like staying here wasting my child bearing years?? if i had the GOD DAMN answer i would have told him!! so, i got pissed and asked him if he wanted my answer now cause i would give it to him and pack my shit and leave! well that opened a new can, and we went round and round for a while. he said some shit like if the roles were reversed that he would feel like a "mooch" going to school not knowing if he was going to stay or not. so i grew some brass balls and told him that i deserved to go to school because of all the shit i put up with and because if i do leave i will need something under my belt to support myself and if i stay the i AM going to have a career if he likes it or not since we aren't having kids. and since the roles aren't reversed he should feel like the "mooch" since he took five and a half years of my life "stringing me on" making me think that we were going to have a family someday! we spent the rest of the night not talking and still haven't talked today. not really planning on it either! how fuking unsportive can this man get?? i hope i am making some kind of sence to someone. all i know is i have to get my ass through school so i can get out of this HELL!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i don't know what to babble about. i have so much to choose from. i could complain about my stupid sister and the fact that she has been pregnant for over a year now and at the end of august she will have two kids that totally deserve more than her for a mother, or i could rant about how unfair it is that ow changed the deadline on my surg. tech. program so that now people who are intrested in it can come in and be placed ahead of me in the line for admittance. wouldn't bother me so much if they didn't take but 14 people a year. Or i could complain about never getting any "me" time anymore since i have been the sole care taker of my gimp husband for a month and a half now. although it is kinda nice to have some company during the day. I seem to get very lonely easily. or i could blab about how scared i am at taking micro biology and chem science together summer semester. but where is the fun in all of that?? I have alot to be thankfull for and i don't like the fact that almost every entry i have written in here has been a complaint! so thank god i have a nice house ,a car that runs (really fast when some crazy black lady is chasing me to cuss me out), i am able to go to school and not work thanks to my husband's job, a best friend and her family that i love dearly, and my cats that make me soo happy. life sucks but i have it better than alot of people.

peace out.

ok.. so get this.. jer and i have been having a sort of rough time here lately so i thought that Valentines day, you know, seeing as how it is the one day set aside from all the rest to show the one person in your life how much they mean to you would be a wonderful time for us (granted that you should do it more often but...). WRONG!! let me start by saying that i like to plan this sort of thing at least a week or two in advance for any little mishaps i might have over looked to ensure the most romantic, lovable night possible. My husband on the other hand is the "oh shit v. day is tomorrow?" kinda guy. get the picture. yeah, i know i should have seen it coming. i mean he has already botched my b.day this year why not throw in valentines day as well. at least he remembered it this year!! (another day, another story) ANYWAY, last year while he was over seas and we were emailing back and forth, he described to me his idea of a romantic night. i thought this would be a perfect time to act that out. so i made a cd with all the songs from artists he had mentioned in the email. i planed to make a nice meal complete with wine candles and me in a certain dress that he likes. i baked him cookies (that actually burned while i was talking to kate) in the shapes of little hearts and the word "love". i had picked out cards for him from myself and our babies, i bought him a little gift and a box of chocolates. i thought this night was going to be nice, quiet and romantic. Nothing special....... well, i have the cd playing when he walkes in to the house after work. i meet him all fixed up in my little dress with a glass of wine for him. he says hello puts down his bag and proceeds to walk to the kitchen where i have the little display of the cookies, cards and present. i knew i was in trouble when he turned around without a smile and said "do you mind if we do valentines day tomorrow?" !!!!!!!! the man not so much as got me a card that you could've gotten from a gas station for $1.00!!!!WTF!!!!!! i swallowed that as nicely as i could and insisted that he proceed with his wonderful shower of affection as i suffered the drought that he so nicely provided me! he had made a big deal over the screw driver that you can change bits for with out having to load or what ever, some guy thing i guess.well that is the present i got him. when he opened it he ahhed over it for a second and looked at me once more with that damn look guys get when they don't know if they are about to screw up but they are going to take a chance anyway, you know the look? well it turns out the one i bought, although it has a better concept for the design it is not as small as the craftsman so he would like to know if I can not take this back and exchange it for the proper screw driver... This too, i swallow, with my dignity hanging by a thread. i turn to go make dinner and he insists that he is not that hungry and that we should "just snack" tonight. i told him about the meal i had in mind and his reply is only "no but thank you"!! by this time i am thinking this has got to be a joke he just wants to see me get all upset and cry and then he will go to his truck and bring in flowers or candy or for God's sake a card at least. but no, nothing ever comes. we end up playing a computer game together back to back until about 7:30 when he starts to raid the fridge. i make myself a personal pizza and he gets a bagel, i thought maybe we would watch tv like any other night but no! This night is special! we have our dinner ALSO back to back while playing our computer game. the game lasted until about 10:30 (he cheated btw!!!!) so we get ready to go to bed. maybe i will get lucky and get some. although now i don't know how in the world i wanted it last night! he gets into bed faces the wall and says "i love you" (that is code for turn off your light and good night in this house) that was our valentines day! so i thought to day i would maybe get flowers or at least a card but NOPE!!! Nothing! i mean how hard is it take some copy paper out of the copy machine and scribble i love you happy valentines day??!! i mean he didn't even have to use colored ink! i would have been happy with black or blue or hell! a pencil would have done the trick! i mean am i asking to much here!! really?! i could strangle him right now! if it wasn't for kate and my mom i would have gotten NOTHING!! how depressing is that? ok i think i will just go digg a hole.. or get some chocolate that i bought for myself on clearance since all the good boyfriends and husbands have already gotten their special someone something to let them know that they are loved! hmm. pitty part for lissa! this is gonna be a good one!

I wonder, if while I am gone, that a certain little someone (like my snooping husband) will try to figure what in the world I have to say to all of you that I can not say on the phone. I have this terrible feeling that it will go south when I leave and that his suspicions will get the best of him and he will go snooping! I hate that i have had a journal for 11 years and not once have I been completely comfortable writing EXACTLY what i feel for fear of someone reading it. In fact I haven't written in a journal in a while because of that and the fact of how in the world do you try to describe the death of your father and brother and then your sister getting knocked up not once but twice by a man who threatened to kill your mom with a screw driver and made a baby with another slut while her sorry ass was sitting in the hospital with her 3 day old. I mean who wants to look back and remember just how desperately helpless they felt when someone told you that your dad was dead and your husband wouldn't drive you 8 hrs home that night because he had to "out process"??????? That is bull shit! I hate that i always have to be the one looking over my shoulder because someone can't respect my privacy the way that i respect theirs! Is it too much to ask to be treated the way i treat him???? GOD now i am just pissed!! Good FUCKING Night!

that felt good.